Open Letter to the Almond Milk People

Dear Almond Breeze,

No thank you. While I do love milk, and I do love almonds, I do not need milk made from almonds, for a host of reasons. First, even for the people who have lactose intolerance, there are several different types of lactose-free milk which taste EXACTLY like regular milk. I have tasted them, so I'm not just giving an empty testimonial.

Oh, and, if it is made from other things, is it really milk? I'm going a long way to use the term "milk" with Soy Milk, let alone Almond Milk.... Making milk from almonds is like Quincy Jones remaking We Are the World with today's artists; no matter how much like the original you try to make it, it's clear to everyone that there were lots of nuts involved.

I'm just going to float this phrase out there. Nut milk. 'Nuff said. Doesn't that just scream "deliciousness" right in your face? No. And by the way, I don't really need a food (or anything else for that matter) which could potentially invite any number of inappropriate comments. Especially from 8th graders. Or George Carlin. Or the city of Amsterdam.

We're sorry to be blunt. But look at it this way: now your company can get back to your more profitable projects, like Sawdust Steak, the SPAMCar, and the amazing TurkeyShirt - the shirt made from 100% reprocessed turkey!

Sincerely,
Earth