Halls Cough Drops - Satan in Lozenge Form

Dear Halls Cough Drop People,

Please stop trying to convince the world that "Mentho-lyptus" is really a flavor. It's not. It combines the deliciousness of Eucalyptus, which is loved by koalas all over the word (read: Australia) and "Menthol," which is really only loved by smokers for its valuable ability to poorly disguise the fact that you're sucking on a burning twig. Combining two terrible flavors doesn't make the new flavor any more bearable. You may as well come up with a new flavor called "Bamboo-ijuana," which would be loved by both pandas and pot-heads alike.

While we're on the subject, what the Hell did you people do to Menthol, anyway? It's a crystal made from Peppermint oil, which seems pretty hard to screw up, but somehow you managed to make it taste like deer urine filtered through a lunch-lady's hairnet. (Hey, there's your next flavor idea! I'll give you that one free as long as you promise NOT to give me credit.)

Even worse, Halls Plus, which has actual syrup in the middle. Congratulations, you've discovered something which, at best, makes people say, "No thanks, I'll keep the sore throat," and at worst, makes them beg for the sweet release of death. So, just when you start to think you're almost finished with that vile pseudo-candy rock in your mouth, it spits a ball of goo down the back of your throat... you know, to give you an aftertaste which reminds you all evening of just how delicious a piece of candy can be when it's flavored like trees and cigarettes.

But worst of all has to be the ones which look like candy, so you aren't even expecting the disgustingness you're about to receive. I swear, the next time I grab a red candy from a dish thinking I'm getting "cherry" only to find out I'm getting "Icy Strawberry" or "Cherry-lyptus" I'm suing you for damages.

Thanks, Halls Brothers, for replacing coughs with nausea for over 110 years. And congratulations on your side-businesses, the coconut-mango jelly bean, and the Dum Dum sucker made to taste like hot buttered popcorn.

Sincerely,
People with Tongues