I would like to air a few grievances with companies who think they are effectively marketing their products to me, but are really just annoying the hell out of me.
1. UPS. What can brown do for you? Maybe I should have started with a different one, because this one always leaves me shaking my head, speechless. First of all, every time I hear this slogan, I think of bathroom humor. I'm sorry if that makes me an 11 year old boy, but I do. Second, while I think it was an odd choice to make their primary color "brown," that's beside the point - who refers to their company based on the main color of the logo? It would be like FedEx saying, "Orange and blue delivers fast for you!" Or the US Postal Service saying, "Mail Trucks: the Robert Duvall of delivery. They're old, white, and a lot slower than they should be!"
And while we're on the subject, what else would I WANT "brown" to do for me? Have they added to their list of services? Because if it doesn't have to do with shipping packages, I'm probably not going to UPS....
2. DHL - "Yellow is the new Brown." Sheesh. Way to drink the Kool-Aid, DHL.
3. There are a couple of car dealerships in the Houston area which advertise using animated talking cars. This by itself isn't that annoying, but ONE of these dealerships decided to make the cars have bad attitudes. I mean SERIOUSLY bad. In each of the commercials, the owner comes on and talks a bit about his dealership, and then the car starts speaking in a really egotistical manner and for the most part, insulting the owner through the commercial. Is this supposed to make me want to buy a car from them? Because unless you're pushing a model called the "Chrysler Jackass" it's really not effective. The only thing in which you've succeeded is making me want to find your lot and punch the cars in the face. (Oh, hell, you've made me think of them as having faces now. I hate you.)
4. He went to Jared. I'm going to say this once. Are you listening? Good. I could not begin to tell you HOW LITTLE I CARE WHERE HE WENT! Sorry. Don't know where I went there for a second. Really, though. Shut up.
5. Capital One - What's in your wallet? I'm not telling. Because, first of all, there's NOTHING in my wallet; I sent it all to my Capital One bill! And if I tell you what's in my wallet, you'll probably figure out a way to adjust my rates or assess fees so you can get the REST!
6. Greyhound - Leave the driving to us. Also good things to leave to Greyhound? Crashing, burning, and settling personal injury lawsuits.
7. M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hand! Okay, I love you M&Ms, but you have to stop this false advertising. Which one of us as kids didn't test this theory by grabbing a handful and holding them tight, only to come out of it with a sticky multicolored hand? When the Red Bull people say "It gives you wings," they don't actually try to convince you that you can jump out of a building after drinking one and NOT experience a sudden failure to live. So, why all the deception, M&Ms?
8. Toyota - I love what you do for me. This one just writes itself, doesn't it? Do I really need to say, "Yes, if what you do for me is take my brakes away and crash me into the back of a semi at 90 MPH?" I do? Oh, okay.
9. This one goes back home for me. In Iowa there was a power company, don't know if they're still around, with the name MidAmerican Energy, and their slogan was "Obsessively, relentlessly at your service." Really, MidAmerican Energy? You don't think that sounds a bit desperate? 'Cause I'd be okay with just "At my service whenever I ask for it." If I open my bedroom door and find you lurking on the other side asking if you can help me out with my power lines, I will react to you in much the same way I react to an obnoxious talking car.
Oh and get this, their address in Des Moines is 666 Grand Avenue! I can think of another historical figure who relentlessly tries to get you to sign a contract with him... in fact I think he had the same address....
10. Finally... Southwest Airlines has been pushing its new ad campaign lately. I know you want me to go on a vacation and book a flight with you in the process. But please, I beg you, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, PLEASE stop commanding me to "Grab my bag." Seriously. Stop it.
You don't know me like that, Southwest Airlines....
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