Robotic Groundhogs, the Colonial Army, and You

Okay, I've been thinking about doing this for a while but have never really made the time. So, you know it had to be something important to get me to commit to writing a blog. What type of subject could possibly motivate me so? You guessed it. The idea of replacing Punxsutawney Phil with a robot.

Let me say that again.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has suggested replacing Punxsutawney Phil with a robot. Now, I love the folks at PETA, they stand for a good ideal, and cruelty to animals is never acceptable. But I disagree with them on this, for one key reason. It's not that I think poor old Phil should continue to be dragged from his burrow (or rather, the fake tree stump they pretend is his burrow) every Groundhog Day. Rather, I'm saying the whole practice of Groundhog Day should be retired.

I hear the collective gasp now. How could I possibly advocate ending Groundhog Day? Well, how much time do you have? Let me hit the main points. First of all, the most obvious complaint is the issue of relevance. It seems entirely appropriate for Phil to have "predicted" six more weeks of winter this year, or any other year for that matter. And do you know why we'll have six more weeks of winter? Because we actually have six more weeks of winter! No matter what, when Phil pops out of his fiberglass tree stump on February 2, there will still be a little over six weeks before the First Day of Spring. Way to go out on a limb, there, Philly-boy.

But, my sarcasm is directed unfairly at Phil, because really, he has nothing to do with it. I'm always just slightly irritated when they pull the rodent out of his hole, and then, after a brief "conversation" with Phil... they unfurl a piece of vellum from which they read Phil's prediction. So... I'm curious. Did Phil have a little typewriter down there with him, to prepare his words? Oh, I know, I bet it was an Underwood! Ahem.... Or, did Phil submit his prediction in advance, in which case, emerging from the hole on the 2nd has nothing to do with it - think of the scandal if the world learns the prediction is actually made on the - GASP - 1st of February! Talk about a bombshell - Tiger who?

Then again, of course the shadow-viewing couldn't actually take place when they say it does... because when they pull him out of his hole, it's usually around 6 or 7 AM, so the sun is barely up... the lighting when I see it on the news seems like you could never see a shadow, regardless, especially surrounded by all of those trees. So, does the shadow come from the lights erected by the various local news networks? If so, what if he see's that multi-shadow common when several lights are pointed at you from several different directions? If he sees 8 shadows, could we be in for another 48 weeks of winter (and the onset of a new ice age?)

It's kind of sad to think that the real answer is that a bunch of oddly-dressed Pennsylvania Dandies are just using Phil to not-so-cleverly disguise the mundane fact that they all know how to read the Farmer's Almanac.... (Coincidentally, the "Pennsylvania Dandies" were also the least-intimidating regiment in the Colonial Army. "Jebediah, is my tri-corn straight? Oh, fiddlesticks, I've been shot." Fun fact.) Honestly, this band of prolific purveyors of prognostication have come to look like something out of a Nicolas Cage movie... not the early, Leaving Las Vegas-era Cage. I'm talking post-Ghost Rider Cage, when things just started getting weird....

By the way, are we planning on replacing ALL of the forecasting groundhogs with robots? This year, there were no fewer than twenty-two different groundhogs throughout North America issuing predictions. Including ones named Dunkirk Dave and... ahem... Balzac Billy? Anyway, if ethical animal treatment is what you're after, it seems only fair to replace ALL of them, not just Phil. I'll warn you, however, if we do that, I can imagine a not-so-distant Orwellian future in which an army of robotic groundhogs become self-aware and try to take over the planet.

I suppose a robot wouldn't be that different from what they do now, it would just be a robot pretending to tell the weather rather than a real groundhog. The one who really holds the power will be whoever programs the robot with the desired "prediction." But it just won't feel right. Having a robot in charge of Groundhog Day is like having Jeff Zucker in charge of NBC. Sure, they serve their purpose, but it's the PROGRAMMING that matters.

I can't help but feel sorry for Phil. I was actually thrilled when he bit the guy who pulls him out of his "burrow" every year. That'll teach him. I mean, just put yourself in Phil's shoes. How would you feel to be ripped out of the bed in which you spend 364 days a year, shoved into a small box for an hour or so, then pulled out and waved in front of a crowd by a guy who, between the top hat, tiny glasses, and size 58 suit pants, looks disturbingly like a cross between John Goodman and Mr. Peanut. You'd be biting too!

I'll step off my soapbox for the time being. Let's just call this whole "Groundhog Day" thing to a close, shall we? Let Phil retire to live out the remainder of his days in peace. I'm not saying release him, because then every nut job and his uncle would be trying to find Phil in the wild. Just let him stay at his home at the library, and let Groundhog Day fade into one of those historical footnotes. The last thing we need is a robot predicting our weather... that's why God gave us Al Roker.