Series Finale

It's always sad to see a chapter of your life close. When I started working at Clear Creek ISD I had just turned 27 and was excited about the new position in which I found myself. I got to work with technology, which had always been a talent of mine. Above that, I got to work with teachers, training them on using and integrating that technology. Best of all, I still got to work with the students, helping them with issues and teaching when the opportunity arose. This made the transition from classroom to technology-specific employee a much easier process. I wasn't losing one part of the job I love, I was gaining an additional part to make it even more interesting and enjoyable. Not only was I well-suited for the job, but the job was well-suited for me, and I loved every minute of it.

It's amazing how much can happen in just over 5 years. For one thing, you find yourself just over 5 years older. I'm told that's how math works. Aside from that, I grew to know and love the people with whom I've worked since March of 2006, gaining friends and colleagues more numerous than I could have imagined. I said goodbye to one set of friends at Weber Elementary for the opportunity to help build a new campus from the ground up at Parr Elementary. The chance to design the "perfect" campus for the integration of technology in our students' daily lives is an opportunity that would probably not again come my way for a very long time, if ever. So when one of my current principals asked me to come with her to the new school, it was a chance I had no intention of passing up. It was a time-consuming and stressful task at times, but in the long run it was also more richly-rewarding than I could possibly describe.

So, in my short time with CCISD, I've gotten to know not one campus, but three. As economic strains come down the pipe, changes are inevitable, and the thinning out of my current position was inevitable (and predictable.) I am blessed to be able to take a 2nd grade position and stay with the campus that I helped open. The change is bittersweet, though, because I am leaving behind another campus, Armand Bayou, to which I've grown quite attached.

As I stood watching our 5th graders graduate today, I was struck with the realization that we started at the same time. When I started with Armand, these now 5th grade students were just Kindergarteners. It's fitting that, just as I've watched them grow up these nearly 6 years, I've grown up a lot myself (don't worry, I haven't grown up TOO much.) And, just as they're leaving Armand, it's a fitting time that I'm entering a new phase in my life as well.

Everyone has had the experience of watching one of their favorite television shows coming to a close. It's always sad saying goodbye to the characters you've personally come to know. But it's always just a bit comforting to know that, as the doors close behind you, life goes on tomorrow, and next year. Just as many television shows may end, but the storyline lets you know that in the fictional universe created for that TV show, life goes on even though we won't be voyeuristically peeking through the window of a TV screen to see those lives play out.

So, having said that, my final season with Armand comes to a close today. Just like an ending TV program, the last "season" may not be the "best," but it can't overshadow the great experience of the past 5+ years as a whole. And just as the IDEA of our favorite TV characters continue on past the final episode, I know life goes on as the doors of ABE close behind me. 'Til we meet again, ABE. It's been great knowing you.

News Ticker Updated - Everyone Confused

Okay. I like technological advancements. I admit it. I know I probably just blew the minds of several people here. Now, facetiousness aside, the one thing that drives me crazy about a technological advancement is when a company decides to upgrade their tech and clearly have NO idea how to use it properly.

Let me explain. The local NBC affiliate here in Houston has updated their news ticker (been that way for about a month, so I gave it plenty of time) and they obviously don’t have a clue how to write headlines on this thing. Used to be that the news ticker was a blue bar at the bottom of their screen, and the news would scroll right-to-left. The headlines could be literally as long as you wanted, and they would just scroll on. No problem. The only annoying thing about this ticker was the “Weather” update would scroll up in front of the news, so if they had just the right amount of stories, every time a certain story scrolled around, the Weather would pop up and prevent you from seeing it. Why not just have the weather scroll at the end of the news and sports ticker??

With the current news ticker, the annoyance is much worse. I’ll spare you the technical details, but let’s just say the space is much smaller than the width of the screen, and on this narrow black bar, a full line of text scrolls UP onto the bar and stays there for about 5 seconds, then a new headline scrolls up. The problem is, some genius at the station has insisted whichever intern is in charge of typing this must get the entire news blurb summed up in ONE line of text. Now, it can be difficult to sum up even the most banal of complete thoughts in 140 characters, do we really want the most important news stories of our world today summed up in half a tweet?

This is NOT the way the software has to run – I know this because, in the first few days of using this new ticker, they had a handful of headlines that didn’t fit on one screen, so when it scrolled to the next line, it was the second half of the news blurb. This was great, because it was COHERENT. However that wasn’t good enough for an exec at the station, who, like most executives in TV, decided they would ruin it with their brilliant ideas of the “correct” way to do it. So now what we are left with is uninformative “pop” news blurbs that are barely more intelligible than a caveman grunt.

It’s a lot like having an awesome new unlimited data plan on your smartphone, but the plan only allows you to download the first page of websites. Or having a great assault rifle with a 1000 round magazine, but by default the rifle ejects the cartridge after three rounds.

This probably doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I’m not exaggerating when I say that some of the stories are almost IMPOSSIBLE to decipher, and when it’s early enough in the morning that planning a route for your coffee cup to travel to your mouth is a complex calculation, the last thing you want to do is try to figure out what someone means in 4-5 words of text. Take these real examples:

“STOCKS IN JAPAN NUCLEAR PLUMMET.”

Okay, this was the first one that made me pause, concerned that someone had lost their mind. It’s not that hard to decipher, but it’s also not that hard to write it more coherently. Why not “Japan stocks plummet following disaster?” Or better yet, Line 1: “Japan stock market in freefall…” Line 2: “…following nuclear disaster.” This is SO much easier to read, and actually doesn’t make you sound like you’re just listing random things. Seriously, “Stocks in Japan” makes sense, but then, “Nuclear plummet?” Really? What is a nuclear plummet? Is that even a thing? Does nuclear DESCRIBE the plummet? So, are the stocks falling from the sky and hitting the ground hard enough that they literally split atoms?

Here’s another:

“OBAMA DISAPPOINTED, TALKS BREAK DOWN”

So, the talks broke down because he was disappointed? Because that’s the order in which you wrote it. Or, did it happen the other way around? Is Obama disappointed BECAUSE of the breakdown? And regardless, which talks do you mean? Budget talks? Libyan dispute? NFL Players Union negotiations? Did we invade someone else overnight? Or did something happen while we were sleeping to cause us to have to salute a new flag? Help us out.

“FINAL CARRELL OFFICE ‘SUPERSIZED’ EW”

Okay. First, Steve Carrell’s final episode being a two-parter isn’t exactly news. A lot of people knew that already. Which begs the question, is that what you mean by this headline? Does “EW” mean Entertainment Weekly? If so, why haven’t you put sources on every OTHER headline you run? This makes us wonder, is “EW” your source, or an editorial comment intended to signify that it’s somehow nasty that the episode has been ‘supersized?’ Or are you saying the entire episode is a “SUPERSIZED EW?” Or, could you be telling us that some guy named Final Carrell is expanding his office? And again, you’re disgusted by that? Please just tell us what the Hell you’re talking about.

One last one:

“DEL TORO, STEWART DAUGHTER EXPECTING.”

First of all, which Del Toro are we talking about? Benicio? Guillermo?

On top of that, misplaced commas are a, thing that annoy the crap out of me and worse is not using enough commas so that a reader is left to interpret a meaning from your rambling dumbass. (Like there, for example.) Does this headline mean that Del Toro and the daughter of someone named Stewart are expecting a baby? If so, which Stewart? There are lots. Jimmy Stewart? Martha Stewart? French Stewart? Is it really necessary to specify “Stewart daughter?” Can’t you just say, “Del Toro, wife, expecting daughter?” Because I’m pretty sure that anyone who actually CARES about this news story at this hour of the morning knows who his wife is, and anyone who doesn’t care, cares little enough not to need to know that she’s related to some randomly famous Stewart.

Or (as I have since found out) does this mean that the vaguely-named Del Toro and an equally-vaguely-named Stewart (Martha? Kim? Kristen? Again, French?) are expecting a daughter? If so, who the Hell writes “Daughter expecting” to signify that someone is expecting a daughter?! Is YODA writing the news for you people now?? Oh, more breaking news, “BEGUN, THE CLONE WAR HAS.”

I guess I’ll drop it for now, but please, PLEASE reconsider the way you’re writing these stories. Otherwise, we’ll see the following blurb one morning soon on our news tickers:

“KPRC NEWS DIRECTOR SUCKS, IMMINENT REPLACEMENT.”

Just don’t forget that comma. I hope by now they understand it would completely change the meaning of their story.

Charlie Sheen Manifesto Preview

Jimmy Fallon had a bit last week with Charlie Sheen selling records, one named “Things I’ve Said,” with insane stuff he’s said in the past week, and another named “Things I’m About to Say,” filled with bizarre, ridiculous-sounding things that he hasn’t really said but, wow, he definitely could have.

So, in that theme, I have just returned from a trip on a recently-procured time machine, and I now give to you, Things Charlie Sheen Hasn’t Said (Yet) But is About to in the Next Few Days. (He's releasing his "manifesto" on his webcast this evening, so take this as a likely preview.)

Sheenisms:

“I’ve got, like, a self-esteem problem in reverse, y’see?”

“I’m like a monkey with no spleen on the fifth spaceship to Cleveland.”

“My TV screen usually smells like Gunnar Nelson. Or wait, no, I’ve got that wrong. It smells like a gun or Nelson Mandela. No, I’m wrong again….”

“People like to act all concerned for me, but the truth is, they use phony concern to avoid looking like concerned phonies! See what I’m saying? They just want to distract everyone from their not-me-ness.”

“Is what they said on Laugh-In true? If Cybill Shepherd married Ish Kabibble, would she really call herself Cybill Kabibble? Or, would she, like, keep her maiden name? Lotta celebs do it, just sayin’. I’m a progressive guy, but I wouldn’t take somebody’s Kabibble-y old last name.”

“I just found out my ‘Goddesses’ are more like Greek ruins…. You know, fake as stone in some places, worn down from overuse in others? S. T. D’winning!”

“The air tastes like a burning tire in here. And not because I’m making humus!”

“I’m like that Indonesian Civet cat, I crap $10,000 coffee beans and my bathroom smells like a Starbucks. Winning!”

"I just signed a deal to play an African American Ninja. They'll fix my race in post. The show is called Afro Sheen. Why is that so damned funny to people?"

“I secured the rights to do a remake of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves from Cher. I call it Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools. Here it is, a world premiere!”

“I was born from a dragon in Himalayan snow.

I used to have a hit CBS show.

Papa doesn’t say what he means

But I practice what I preach

Bottle what I’ve got and call it Doctor Sheen's!

Oh, Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools

I yell it at the people all around!

I call them Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools,

They judge and call me insane.

They’re jealous of my 10,000 year old brain!”

Okay, that's the end of my sneak preview of insanity's future. Oddly, being that close to his thought process, I now feel the overpowering need to take a shower. And enter any form of rehab available to me.

Next time.

The Worst Possible Innovation in Bathroom Technology

I ask my female readers to excuse me for a moment while I rant about something. I hope you enjoy it, but you may not have the same frame of reference as the guy readers.

Now, can someone please explain to me the logic in urinals which have a floor drain? We’re essentially talking about a big porcelain wall with a hole in the floor that you pee into. Who could have possibly thought this was a good idea? I mean, I understand that a lot of guys end up doing it on the floor anyway and completely missing, even if the “bowl” is 3 feet off the ground and right in front of you, but putting the drain on the floor actually gives people an excuse for missing.

When faced with one of these insults to humanity, you’re basically left with two choices: 1. Aim at the wall, in which case your pants end up looking like you were just splashed by an inconsiderate taxi, or 2. Aim at the floor, in which case your shoes end up looking like you just ran gleefully through a puddle of lemonade. For whatever reason. Maybe you’re an alien from a planet where it rains lemonade. Maybe someone made a pool of cornstarch and lemonade and you wanted to see if you could run across without sinking.

I’m off topic. But while I'm off topic, let me ask this: why on Earth do they call the little deodorant things "urinal cakes?" Did you have to take one of my favorite things and combine it with the bottom of a urinal? You couldn't call it "Urinal Deodorizer" or even "Urinal Crystals?" No, now, every time I enjoy delicious cake I involuntarily picture it sitting awkwardly on top of a dome-shaped drain cover.

Anyway, my point is, the only ways to avoid the problems listed above are just as objectionable as the problems themselves. First, you could just aim at the floor anyway. This seems to be the solution most people take, but it shows no consideration to the person who comes in after you – you’re not thinking about the fact that now their job is doubly difficult because not only are they faced with having to worry about which article of clothing is becoming urine soaked, but they also have to exhibit enormous leg strain to keep their feet from sliding sideways out from underneath them. That’s no fun.

The other option is to try to avoid the backsplash by standing across the room and aiming from a distance. If that’s not an indecent exposure charge waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. I know you’re in a public restroom, but no one wants to see that. We’re not in a western, we’re not having one of… those contests. Just… not okay.

So, you might wonder, what other marvels of technology have the floor-urinal people come up with? Well, their track record is outstanding:

1.    Air-blown hand dryers: what’s worse than being completely useless? Actually pretending to be useful. Once they realized that people actually weren't getting dry by having a one-lunged kitten sneeze on their hands for 10 seconds, they got the bright idea to include face-drying instructions. Because nothing makes a visit to a gas station restroom more appealing than getting shot in the face by a lukewarm wind tunnel.

2.    Faucets that point up and out. Their logic: your hands are sure to get clean if you’re trying to block your face from being sprayed by a firehose.

3.    Those LED screens at a fast food restaurant drive-through: it’s a miracle that someone came up with the idea to make drive-through visits easier by including an order screen with two-thirds of the lights burned out. “Why yes, I did order a Q…t.. ..u.d.. .i.. c..e.., a chi..e. .u…t, and a large d..t ..k. And my total is, apparently, 13 cents? Thanks, inventors!”

4.    Airbags for rear-facing car seats. Because nothing makes a baby more safe in an accident than being propelled backwards into the front seat by tiny explosives.

It should be noted that two of the previous innovations never made it out of the patent phase. The others, I think we should start an online petition to do away with them. And to do that, I recommend not using the system developed by the floor urinal people – an online punch card system which actually encourages you to poke holes in your computer's monitor to cast your vote.

Geographic Misnomers, Nazi-mocking Pets, and Temporal Dynamics

I would like to take the next few lines to contemplate some of the great mysteries of the universe.

Mystery 1: Why is the Texas Panhandle called that? Texas looks nothing like a pan. That would be like calling the big bend in the Mississippi River between Iowa and Illinois the “Iowa Hershey Bar.” I guess they figure “panhandle” sounds better than “Square Nub” or “Tiny Top Hat.” In fact, none of the states with a panhandle actually look like pans. Oklahoma is the closest, looking a bit like an overturned Jiffy Pop tin, but even that state looks more like a flipped-over baseball cap, waiting for Missouri to pick a number out of it. The panhandle state I find most baffling, though, is Florida. Do we really need all of these clever names for geographic locations? Can’t we just say “North Texas” instead of panhandle, or “Southwest Arkansas” instead of “ArkLaTex” or “Western Florida” instead of panhandle? Do we really want to draw any more attention to Florida’s shape? Is it in our best interest as a country to have people thinking, “Hmm… Florida doesn’t look like a pan. I guess it looks more like a… OH MY GOD! THAT’S DISGUSTING!”

Mystery 2: How, exactly, did the Nazi’s have nothing better to do with their time than try to hunt down a dog and its owner because of an obscure trick they heard that it might have done once or twice in the past? And this was only a few months before they invaded the Soviet Union, so, I’m thinking there were probably more constructive uses of their time. Seriously, I’m not making this story up. Look here: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iygblpWORCla_T-iETmWHayJkfFQ?docId=1101acd28dae47b594fce0e29fde0ed2

Seriously, this is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. In a classic case of “eff the man,” the owner of the dog (Tor Borg) got out of it simply by denying it while facing a Nazi Tribunal. I mean, can we talk for a second about the colossal cajones required for such an action? The owner literally said, “My wife called him Hitler once, but it wasn’t a big thing, and the dog doesn’t do the salute anymore.” And in a classic case of “Nazis are crazy bastards“ they embarked on a “fact-finding” campaign… against the dog…. They even had a pharmaceutical company offering to destroy Borg’s wholesale business by cutting off their supply ties with him, but prosecution ultimately had to be abandoned because they couldn’t get any of the witnesses to testify to it. Did I mention they were in the midst of planning their invasion of the Soviet Union? And this is what they were concerned with?

In a related story, the Axis lost the Battle of Berlin because too many SS officers were scanning the German precursor of DARPAnet trying to find more pictures of this cat:

Mystery 3: Assuming the following is true: 1. All matter is made up of atomic particles; 2. All particles are made up of subatomic particles, which are in turn made up of quantum particles; and 3. According to Feynman’s “Sum Over Histories,” all quantum particles occupy ALL possible places AND all possible time periods between two points, meaning that quanta exist in all places in both the past and future simultaneously; is it not possible, given the model of 11-dimensional space, that our physical bodies (made up of quantum particles) are merely projections into the 3 dimensions we currently see, and the 4^th that we perceive (time) and that in fact, we exist in both the past and future, in a state which is both alive and dead simultaneously, and at times able to momentarily perceive the 7 remaining dimensions in which time is less linear, and more cyclical (like 3-dimensional space) thus making reincarnation, precognition, genetic memory, and afterlife scientifically viable theories?

I’m glad we had this talk. I know I feel better.