2012 Summer Movies, A.K.A. "What the Hell happened?"

It's summer again. Despite what the calendar would have you believe, it didn't start on June 20 this year - according to the B-52s outside my sliding door, it began in late April. And no, I don't have an eccentric group of 70's rockers hanging around my yard singing about Love Shacks and Rock Lobsters; I'm referring to the mosquitoes.

Like most people, I always look forward to the things summer brings - beach weather, crisp air conditioning, and summer movie season. Except, something happened this year. In the midst of slathering on suntan lotion and swatting vampiric insects, I noticed that there just aren't that many summer movies to see. I mean, sure, there are big films out there like The Avengers, Battleship, and Prometheus, but not on pace with what we've seen in recent years. Just last year, in one summer, we saw Thor, Captain America, Pirates 4, Scream 4, Mission Impossible 4, Transformers 3, Green Lantern, and while not all of those were on my must-see list, they were huge draws, and that's just to name the big popcorn flicks. Count in movies like Hangover 2, Bridesmaids, Cars 2, and Kung Fu Panda, and I'm sure there were some people that actually camped at the theaters all summer. This summer, we have only a few. Let's take a look at some of the hits and misses. Trust me, there are enough misses here to barely make a good batting average.

Dark Shadows: In an unprecedented move, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter work with Tim Burton for a change, where they are both able to explore fully the weirdness that makes them who they are. That hasn't happened since, y'know, the last time.

The Dictator: Sacha Baron Cohen plays a foreign guy who seems to be as clueless as he is unlikable. I'm beginning to see this as the summer of typecasting and nostalgia.

Men in Black III: Okay, now, this goes in the other column. We're revisiting one of the biggest summer blockbusters in history, and if any franchise needs a shot in the arm after the lackluster MIB2, this is it. Wait a minute, who's that guy playing Tommy Lee Jones? I want the real Agent K back, he was only in it for about 2 minutes?? And... this is set in the past? So, I'm watching a futuristic movie about the past? So, I'm watching a movie about... now? Where's the manager, there's a fly in my movie....

Snow White and the Huntsman: I'm not sure what to think here. On one hand, you have Chris Hemsworth doing his action thing. On the other hand, you have Kristen Stewart... attempting to do the same thing Hemsworth is doing. Doesn't she know her talents are best put to use when she's looking half-stoned at the camera and, y'know, not saying any lines? By the way, on a third, completely unexpected hand, you have Charlize Theron looking insane and pronouncing simple words such as "blood" as though they have four syllables in them. So, there's that. Hopefully you were as confused as I was by this.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted: Now, while I'm not indifferent to the idea of having animated flicks as big summer blockbusters, and despite the fact that I love Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, and the rest of the cast, the only thing this movie appears to have going for it is Rock singing the "Polka-dot, Afro, Circus" song. If it's just that and lasts for 90 minutes, it's box office gold despite the Advil you'll be looking for when it's over. If, on the other hand, they insist on shoehorning in some type of plot, well, I'm forced to ask a question that has been plaguing me: is this the first title that pops into your mind when you think about animated movies that need sequels?

Rock of Ages: This looks good, despite being largely a musical. Herein lies the problem, however, which is the essence of this post: when was the last time you needed to count a musical as a summer blockbuster? Anyway, huge ensemble cast, Constantine Maroulis not very visible, great music. Those are three things that should make it easier for you to see this movie.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: All I can say here is the same thing I said when this first came out in book form: What in the name of all that's holy??

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: While this movie looks cute and funny, and while I love Steve Carell and Keira Knightley, I can't quite bring myself to put this in "summer blockbuster" territory. Even though it does revisit a summer movie staple, the end of all life as we know it. And if that doesn't scream comedy, well, you need to recalibrate your funny bone.

People Like Us: Again, while I am looking forward to seeing this, I don't see it as summer blockbuster fare. Mainly because I'm curious if Chris Pine has the big screen chops to respond to any direction other than "Be Captain Kirk."

Magic Mike: Okay, we're clearly back to typecasting now. I won't be seeing this movie for a vast variety of reasons, but let's just say if I wanted to see Channing Tatum grinding or Matthew McConaughey with no shirt on, I would go LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE. Seriously. It's the role they were both born to play. I can't even imagine the pitch meeting getting off the ground, but what happened when they were discussing casting? "Hmm, let's see, we need a guy to play a stripper, and a shirtless guy who wears a vest. Anybody?" "Call me crazy, but, what if we got a stripper and a shirtless guy who wears a vest to play those parts?" "You know, kid, it's so crazy it just might work!" Lastly, I've chosen not to insert the expected line of "Alright, alright, alright" here when talking about McConaughey, because I'd be bound to follow it up with, "enough already, we get it, your moobs are huge."

Ted: See my thoughts above on Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The only difference is, this wasn't a book first.

Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection: First of all, the title. I don't think the English language allows 40% of any chunk of text to be possessive words. Don't get me wrong, I like Tyler Perry and have a great deal of respect for what he's done for Atlanta as well as his flair for self-promotion, I just am surprised this franchise has developed the following it has. First of all, doesn't Martin Lawrence get some sort of residual from the idea? Second, after Madea Goes To Jail I started to think he was just using the old "Ernest" movies as a template. And finally... Perry is going to be playing James Patterson's Alex Cross in an upcoming film. I don't know if I can wrap my mind around seeing him play a figure which was made so iconic by Morgan Freeman in films like Along Came a Spider and Kiss the Girls after I've seen him as Madea. Every time he walks onto a crime scene, I'm immediately going to picture him threatening to spoon Eugene Levy, and I just can't seem to overcome that....

Although July does have some big movies coming out (The Dark Knight Rises and a new Ice Age) along with August (Bourne Legacy, Expendables 2) which are sure to be big box office draws, I'm going to finish up with another that has me torn: The Amazing Spider-Man. Emma Stone: good. Andrew Garfield: who? The first time I heard this name, he was announced as being an upcoming guest on a late night show. Here is how my thought process unfolded: "Ah, is he the guy who started the restaurant chain? No? Oh, so, he must be the radio personality and tech expert? No, that's Michael. Well, he's definitely not the 20th President of the U.S. Is it the full name of an acerbic, fluffy, orange cartoon cat?" NOT ONCE did the thought "actor playing Spider-Man" pop into my head. That's a pretty outside choice for the lead character. I hope it does well, but here's another thought: why did Spider Man need a reboot, anyway? The last film just came out 5 years ago. I mean, I know they'll have needed a flashy reboot some time before they do a "New Avengers" movie, but don't they have to do about 12 films with the current Avengers before that happens? Why do we have to remake movies that aren't even that old? 80's movies are a stretch for me (I'm looking at you, Total Recall) let alone a franchise that just ended 5 years ago.

While I have plenty of films I'm looking forward to, when I compare it to last summer I'm just thankful I have my Netflix queue to send me things like Downton Abbey and indie flicks. Oh, and Mirror Mirror - I can't believe I missed that on the big screen....