I ask my female readers to excuse me for a moment while I rant about something. I hope you enjoy it, but you may not have the same frame of reference as the guy readers.
Now, can someone please explain to me the logic in urinals which have a floor drain? We’re essentially talking about a big porcelain wall with a hole in the floor that you pee into. Who could have possibly thought this was a good idea? I mean, I understand that a lot of guys end up doing it on the floor anyway and completely missing, even if the “bowl” is 3 feet off the ground and right in front of you, but putting the drain on the floor actually gives people an excuse for missing.
When faced with one of these insults to humanity, you’re basically left with two choices: 1. Aim at the wall, in which case your pants end up looking like you were just splashed by an inconsiderate taxi, or 2. Aim at the floor, in which case your shoes end up looking like you just ran gleefully through a puddle of lemonade. For whatever reason. Maybe you’re an alien from a planet where it rains lemonade. Maybe someone made a pool of cornstarch and lemonade and you wanted to see if you could run across without sinking.
I’m off topic. But while I'm off topic, let me ask this: why on Earth do they call the little deodorant things "urinal cakes?" Did you have to take one of my favorite things and combine it with the bottom of a urinal? You couldn't call it "Urinal Deodorizer" or even "Urinal Crystals?" No, now, every time I enjoy delicious cake I involuntarily picture it sitting awkwardly on top of a dome-shaped drain cover.
Anyway, my point is, the only ways to avoid the problems listed above are just as objectionable as the problems themselves. First, you could just aim at the floor anyway. This seems to be the solution most people take, but it shows no consideration to the person who comes in after you – you’re not thinking about the fact that now their job is doubly difficult because not only are they faced with having to worry about which article of clothing is becoming urine soaked, but they also have to exhibit enormous leg strain to keep their feet from sliding sideways out from underneath them. That’s no fun.
The other option is to try to avoid the backsplash by standing across the room and aiming from a distance. If that’s not an indecent exposure charge waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. I know you’re in a public restroom, but no one wants to see that. We’re not in a western, we’re not having one of… those contests. Just… not okay.
So, you might wonder, what other marvels of technology have the floor-urinal people come up with? Well, their track record is outstanding:
1. Air-blown hand dryers: what’s worse than being completely useless? Actually pretending to be useful. Once they realized that people actually weren't getting dry by having a one-lunged kitten sneeze on their hands for 10 seconds, they got the bright idea to include face-drying instructions. Because nothing makes a visit to a gas station restroom more appealing than getting shot in the face by a lukewarm wind tunnel.
2. Faucets that point up and out. Their logic: your hands are sure to get clean if you’re trying to block your face from being sprayed by a firehose.
3. Those LED screens at a fast food restaurant drive-through: it’s a miracle that someone came up with the idea to make drive-through visits easier by including an order screen with two-thirds of the lights burned out. “Why yes, I did order a Q…t.. ..u.d.. .i.. c..e.., a chi..e. .u…t, and a large d..t ..k. And my total is, apparently, 13 cents? Thanks, inventors!”
4. Airbags for rear-facing car seats. Because nothing makes a baby more safe in an accident than being propelled backwards into the front seat by tiny explosives.
It should be noted that two of the previous innovations never made it out of the patent phase. The others, I think we should start an online petition to do away with them. And to do that, I recommend not using the system developed by the floor urinal people – an online punch card system which actually encourages you to poke holes in your computer's monitor to cast your vote.
