Halls Cough Drops - Satan in Lozenge Form

Dear Halls Cough Drop People,

Please stop trying to convince the world that "Mentho-lyptus" is really a flavor. It's not. It combines the deliciousness of Eucalyptus, which is loved by koalas all over the word (read: Australia) and "Menthol," which is really only loved by smokers for its valuable ability to poorly disguise the fact that you're sucking on a burning twig. Combining two terrible flavors doesn't make the new flavor any more bearable. You may as well come up with a new flavor called "Bamboo-ijuana," which would be loved by both pandas and pot-heads alike.

While we're on the subject, what the Hell did you people do to Menthol, anyway? It's a crystal made from Peppermint oil, which seems pretty hard to screw up, but somehow you managed to make it taste like deer urine filtered through a lunch-lady's hairnet. (Hey, there's your next flavor idea! I'll give you that one free as long as you promise NOT to give me credit.)

Even worse, Halls Plus, which has actual syrup in the middle. Congratulations, you've discovered something which, at best, makes people say, "No thanks, I'll keep the sore throat," and at worst, makes them beg for the sweet release of death. So, just when you start to think you're almost finished with that vile pseudo-candy rock in your mouth, it spits a ball of goo down the back of your throat... you know, to give you an aftertaste which reminds you all evening of just how delicious a piece of candy can be when it's flavored like trees and cigarettes.

But worst of all has to be the ones which look like candy, so you aren't even expecting the disgustingness you're about to receive. I swear, the next time I grab a red candy from a dish thinking I'm getting "cherry" only to find out I'm getting "Icy Strawberry" or "Cherry-lyptus" I'm suing you for damages.

Thanks, Halls Brothers, for replacing coughs with nausea for over 110 years. And congratulations on your side-businesses, the coconut-mango jelly bean, and the Dum Dum sucker made to taste like hot buttered popcorn.

Sincerely,
People with Tongues

Support my cause - I Love Waffles!

Okay, so, we as a society really need to stop cannibalizing images to make them stand for our own purposes. Let me just describe the scene for you:

I'm driving down the road on my way to work this morning, and I pass a car with a magnetic ribbon on the back. You've seen these before, they have really good messages of "remembrance," yellow ribbons to remind us of soldiers overseas, pink ribbons to remind us of the fight against breast cancer, even black ribbons in memory of Prisoners of War.

Except, this one was completely different. This was a white ribbon. Okay so far. But here's where it gets odd - the ribbon in question had the words, "I LOVE SOCCER!" scrawled across it. So... what started out as fights against diseases and supporting the troops has turned into the appropriate way to express completely pointless and innocuous things. Don't they have better ways of doing this? Like, bumper stickers, internet message board signatures, or in the depressing silence of your bedroom as you utter a prayer to David Beckham?

Incidentally, this car did NOT have spinner hubcaps, so I'll save that for another blog, as a friend of mine mentioned this as a particular pet peeve.

Back on topic, it's not that supporting a cause is a bad thing, nor is it objectionable to announce to the world your love for certain people, places, things, or ideals. But can't we just leave certain images alone, and allow them to represent that for which they were originally intended? A white "I LOVE SOCCER" ribbon is a bit like having, say, a brown ribbon with the words "I FINISHED THE DENNY'S GRAND SLAM IN UNDER NINE SECONDS SO THEY GAVE IT TO ME FOR FREE."

Or maybe like a Ford logo inside a Jesus Fish....

Don't get me wrong. Like I said, I like the original "cause" ribbons. And I actually like soccer, too. But whereas I can totally understand rallying support for troops overseas and fighting illnesses, I can't wrap my mind around rallying people to support your preference of European foot-sport.

I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, though. If we as a society persist in stealing images and twisting them around to inane purposes, then my first act will be to file a patent on the image of a Crucifix with a "Kilroy was here" painted on it... and also a trademark on Andy Warhol's iconic image of Marilyn Monroe, but with a Photoshopped speech bubble saying, "I love Diet Pepsi!"