So, everyone's heard the whole, "No white after labor day" rule. That's one of those things that nobody really pays attention to anymore, and it seems like it's "out" as a rule. But that doesn't stop people from needlessly telling others they're in violation of a now-defunct social order. Either they're deliberately being difficult or maybe they just didn't get the memo. Neverthelessi, it seems like half the population has heard that this is no longer a "rule" and are willing to argue the fact that they can wear whatever the Hell color they choose whenever they want, and the other half believe that THOSE people are just making excuses to cover their fashion faux-pas.
Whichever side you fall on, I thought now would be a good time to share some other obscure, little-known rules about clothing selection that you may or may not know. You'll thank me later!
Don't wear white to a wedding unless you're the bride. Everyone should know this one, you don't want to show-up the bride.
Don't wear green on Arbor Day. Trees are people too, insomuch as they aren't. You wouldn't want to hurt their feelings by overshadowing their greeness with your emerald-hued Lacoste polo.
Don't wear corduroy on the second Wednesday before Flag Day. Fun fact - did you know Betsy Ross didn't actually finish designing the flag until the Wednesday before George Washington needed it for a major textiles convention? Also, Betsy Ross was a dressmaker who would only craft things from gingham and worsted wool, because she had a visceral hatred for all things corduroy? Many speculate this is because she originally tried several times (and failed miserably) to sew a flag with a denim starfield over green and brown wide-wale cordury. In honor of that personality quirk, we have this rule. Keep the swish-swish in your closet on this day.
Don't wear clothing with patterns on March 14. Mathematicians love to celebrate "Pi Day," (3-14) but it is considered highly insulting to the number itself to wear anything which "repeats." (On an unrelated list, you are also advised not to eat chili on this day, for essentially the same reason.)
It's a well-established fact that 87% of all humans love unprovable statistics. Because of that, many UN Nations which celebrate "Statistics Day" encourage their citizens not to wear a red loincloth while throwing their mother-in-law's meatloaf at a family of rabbits. (**Statistics Day is not celebrated in North America. Crazy foreigners.)
When visiting Spain, do not wear tennis shoes to La Tomatina. This is less a fashion rule and more just a common sense thing. Unless you like permanently orange shoes.
While vertical stripes are slimming, you are encouraged NOT to wear them to sporting events. Though you won't be on the field, it will stimulate a response which would make Pavlov weep with pride. Inexplicably, people will feel compelled to yell obscenities at you every time they hear a whistle blow.
It is recommended by many that you do not wear your sunglasses at night, especially while operating heavy machinery. Because it's night. You could kill someone, fool.
Early Spring is known as the official beginning of sea turtle mating season. As such, for your own safety, and the self-respect of the turtles, it is strongly recommended for this 2-3 month period that you don't wear turtlenecks in coastal towns. I'd prefer not to say more than that.
Finally, during the summer months, it is vital that you not wear any type of shirt which exposes your midriff. This is especially important if you have good abs. Most people don't realize this, but new legislation has been passed in our country which requires anyone who sees this outfit/ab combo to yell, "We've got a situation over here!" at which point anyone within earshot must huddle around you and begin pumping their fist skyward and shouting "Beat that beat!"
Trust me, it's a cult-like behavior to witness, and I can only imagine what it would be like to experience it. It could fundamentally change your life for the worse and permanently skew your view of reality. Obviously, no one has to follow any of these "rules" laid out here, but don't say i didn't warn you.... Do yourselves a favor and don't open yourselves up to that kind of mental torment.
