Okay, you guys laughed at the lottery ticket thing,
but now North Korea is saying they found a Unicorn Lair. Honestly. Now,
hold on, how do they know, you ask? Well, there was a big stone sign.
Sign said “Unicorn Lair” in big, engraved
letters. So of course, it had to be true, even if the location was
unimaginatively named. I mean, their former president was a
self-proclaimed Demi-God who single-handedly wrote about 40,000 books in
his lifetime, it makes sense, THIS is where the unicorns
would be found, and they’d live in a place called “Unicorn Lair.” For
those of you still looking for Jimmy Hoffa, all you need to do is find a
sign that says, “Jimmy Hoffa Grave.” Foolproof.
This makes future discoveries much easier for
science, anthropology, archaeology, et. al. – just look for an engraved stone tablet propped up in unusual
locations. Since the Unicorn discovery, science has benefitted with the
discovery of places called “Bigfoot Cave,” “Loch
Ness Monster Bay,” and “World’s Greatest Doughnut Hole.” Though, this
last discovery was called into question by being located in the same
building as signs for the “World’s Greatest Coffee,” the “World’s
Biggest T-Bone,” the “Best Stuff on Earth,” (which
clearly has already been claimed by Snapple, though refuted almost
immediately after tasting) and directly across the street from a
“Speediest Parcel Service” and a “Jiffy Lube.”
Of course, there are drawbacks to such pioneering
breakthroughs. Medical researchers on the lookout for so-called “DNA
Signposts” – which indicate things such as genetic predisposition toward
illnesses, hereditary immunity to certain allergens,
or even things like hair and eye color – have discovered a number of
indications that microbiotic pranksters have wasted no time in picking
up on North Korea’s discovery. Cedars-Sinai has already discovered
suspicious DNA markers which say, “Cytosine was here,”
and “Telomeres do it on repeat,” while Johns-Hopkins researcher Elliot
Bethpage was alarmed for another reason. On the end of every DNA strand
currently undergoing chemical separation, he found a sort of
genetic-level bathroom graffiti bragging “Helicase will
unzip anything.”
“It’s funny because it’s true,” commented Bethpage.
No one is quite certain whether our DNA is
announcing its own self-awareness, or if somehow the UT college students
behind the “Zombie Attack” construction signs may be at it again, but
one thing is clear – we’ll all remember where we were
the day that unicorns were unequivocally proven to exist. By North
Korea… who, I’m being told, has just claimed responsibility for every
double-rainbow ever seen….
