Traditional Definitions in a Modern World

I thought I'd try something a bit different today. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's Video Game Week is over, and they're no doubt looking for new comedy bits for the transition to The Tonight Show in February, so I thought I'd start up a post for Late Night's #AudienceSuggestionBox. So many things these days are referred to differently than in the past, and I find myself wondering what some of today's common phrases might have meant years ago. So, here we go, turning back the clock with some Rewound Definitions.

Modern Phrase   -   Old-fashionedDefinition

"Target Demo" - Tearing down an old housing complex to build a new Target.

"Resume download" - What Higgins does after a phone call interrupts him on the toilet.

"Brooklyn Nets" - What the city of New York stretches across Brooklyn to catch any falling high wire daredevils. (Still applies today.)

"Jersey Shore" - A haven for working-class Americans, as well as degenerates who look to get ahead through any means necessary. (Still applies today.)

"Bruce Jenner" - A world-class athlete with a completely normal human face.

"Tiger Woods" - The jungle. Woods for a tiger.

"Facebook" - That thing where you fall asleep cramming for a midterm and your head rests on the book so long that the text comes off on your face like newspaper on Silly Putty.

"Bieber Fever" - What you catch if you accidentally drink the water while visiting the Isle of Bieber.

"Ryan Gosling" - A delicious sandwich of baby goose on rye.

"Game of Thrones" - What Jimmy calls it when he causes someone to have to "resume" their "download."

"Tony Weiner" - What a 1920's gangster calls a well-dressed hot dog. As in, "Yeah, see? That's a real tony weiner ya got there, pal!"

That's it for now, but you can be sure I'll think of more for another installment!

North Korea - They Found Our Unicorns!

Okay, you guys laughed at the lottery ticket thing, but now North Korea is saying they found a Unicorn Lair. Honestly. Now, hold on, how do they know, you ask? Well, there was a big stone sign. Sign said “Unicorn Lair” in big, engraved letters. So of course, it had to be true, even if the location was unimaginatively named. I mean, their former president was a self-proclaimed Demi-God who single-handedly wrote about 40,000 books in his lifetime, it makes sense, THIS is where the unicorns would be found, and they’d live in a place called “Unicorn Lair.” For those of you still looking for Jimmy Hoffa, all you need to do is find a sign that says, “Jimmy Hoffa Grave.” Foolproof.

This makes future discoveries much easier for science, anthropology, archaeology, et. al. – just look for an engraved stone tablet propped up in unusual locations. Since the Unicorn discovery, science has benefitted with the discovery of places called “Bigfoot Cave,” “Loch Ness Monster Bay,” and “World’s Greatest Doughnut Hole.” Though, this last discovery was called into question by being located in the same building as signs for the “World’s Greatest Coffee,” the “World’s Biggest T-Bone,” the “Best Stuff on Earth,” (which clearly has already been claimed by Snapple, though refuted almost immediately after tasting) and directly across the street from a “Speediest Parcel Service” and a “Jiffy Lube.”

Of course, there are drawbacks to such pioneering breakthroughs. Medical researchers on the lookout for so-called “DNA Signposts” – which indicate things such as genetic predisposition toward illnesses, hereditary immunity to certain allergens, or even things like hair and eye color – have discovered a number of indications that microbiotic pranksters have wasted no time in picking up on North Korea’s discovery. Cedars-Sinai has already discovered suspicious DNA markers which say, “Cytosine was here,” and “Telomeres do it on repeat,” while Johns-Hopkins researcher Elliot Bethpage was alarmed for another reason. On the end of every DNA strand currently undergoing chemical separation, he found a sort of genetic-level bathroom graffiti bragging “Helicase will unzip anything.”

“It’s funny because it’s true,” commented Bethpage.

No one is quite certain whether our DNA is announcing its own self-awareness, or if somehow the UT college students behind the “Zombie Attack” construction signs may be at it again, but one thing is clear – we’ll all remember where we were the day that unicorns were unequivocally proven to exist. By North Korea… who, I’m being told, has just claimed responsibility for every double-rainbow ever seen….

2012 Summer Movies, A.K.A. "What the Hell happened?"

It's summer again. Despite what the calendar would have you believe, it didn't start on June 20 this year - according to the B-52s outside my sliding door, it began in late April. And no, I don't have an eccentric group of 70's rockers hanging around my yard singing about Love Shacks and Rock Lobsters; I'm referring to the mosquitoes.

Like most people, I always look forward to the things summer brings - beach weather, crisp air conditioning, and summer movie season. Except, something happened this year. In the midst of slathering on suntan lotion and swatting vampiric insects, I noticed that there just aren't that many summer movies to see. I mean, sure, there are big films out there like The Avengers, Battleship, and Prometheus, but not on pace with what we've seen in recent years. Just last year, in one summer, we saw Thor, Captain America, Pirates 4, Scream 4, Mission Impossible 4, Transformers 3, Green Lantern, and while not all of those were on my must-see list, they were huge draws, and that's just to name the big popcorn flicks. Count in movies like Hangover 2, Bridesmaids, Cars 2, and Kung Fu Panda, and I'm sure there were some people that actually camped at the theaters all summer. This summer, we have only a few. Let's take a look at some of the hits and misses. Trust me, there are enough misses here to barely make a good batting average.

Dark Shadows: In an unprecedented move, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter work with Tim Burton for a change, where they are both able to explore fully the weirdness that makes them who they are. That hasn't happened since, y'know, the last time.

The Dictator: Sacha Baron Cohen plays a foreign guy who seems to be as clueless as he is unlikable. I'm beginning to see this as the summer of typecasting and nostalgia.

Men in Black III: Okay, now, this goes in the other column. We're revisiting one of the biggest summer blockbusters in history, and if any franchise needs a shot in the arm after the lackluster MIB2, this is it. Wait a minute, who's that guy playing Tommy Lee Jones? I want the real Agent K back, he was only in it for about 2 minutes?? And... this is set in the past? So, I'm watching a futuristic movie about the past? So, I'm watching a movie about... now? Where's the manager, there's a fly in my movie....

Snow White and the Huntsman: I'm not sure what to think here. On one hand, you have Chris Hemsworth doing his action thing. On the other hand, you have Kristen Stewart... attempting to do the same thing Hemsworth is doing. Doesn't she know her talents are best put to use when she's looking half-stoned at the camera and, y'know, not saying any lines? By the way, on a third, completely unexpected hand, you have Charlize Theron looking insane and pronouncing simple words such as "blood" as though they have four syllables in them. So, there's that. Hopefully you were as confused as I was by this.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted: Now, while I'm not indifferent to the idea of having animated flicks as big summer blockbusters, and despite the fact that I love Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, and the rest of the cast, the only thing this movie appears to have going for it is Rock singing the "Polka-dot, Afro, Circus" song. If it's just that and lasts for 90 minutes, it's box office gold despite the Advil you'll be looking for when it's over. If, on the other hand, they insist on shoehorning in some type of plot, well, I'm forced to ask a question that has been plaguing me: is this the first title that pops into your mind when you think about animated movies that need sequels?

Rock of Ages: This looks good, despite being largely a musical. Herein lies the problem, however, which is the essence of this post: when was the last time you needed to count a musical as a summer blockbuster? Anyway, huge ensemble cast, Constantine Maroulis not very visible, great music. Those are three things that should make it easier for you to see this movie.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: All I can say here is the same thing I said when this first came out in book form: What in the name of all that's holy??

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: While this movie looks cute and funny, and while I love Steve Carell and Keira Knightley, I can't quite bring myself to put this in "summer blockbuster" territory. Even though it does revisit a summer movie staple, the end of all life as we know it. And if that doesn't scream comedy, well, you need to recalibrate your funny bone.

People Like Us: Again, while I am looking forward to seeing this, I don't see it as summer blockbuster fare. Mainly because I'm curious if Chris Pine has the big screen chops to respond to any direction other than "Be Captain Kirk."

Magic Mike: Okay, we're clearly back to typecasting now. I won't be seeing this movie for a vast variety of reasons, but let's just say if I wanted to see Channing Tatum grinding or Matthew McConaughey with no shirt on, I would go LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE. Seriously. It's the role they were both born to play. I can't even imagine the pitch meeting getting off the ground, but what happened when they were discussing casting? "Hmm, let's see, we need a guy to play a stripper, and a shirtless guy who wears a vest. Anybody?" "Call me crazy, but, what if we got a stripper and a shirtless guy who wears a vest to play those parts?" "You know, kid, it's so crazy it just might work!" Lastly, I've chosen not to insert the expected line of "Alright, alright, alright" here when talking about McConaughey, because I'd be bound to follow it up with, "enough already, we get it, your moobs are huge."

Ted: See my thoughts above on Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The only difference is, this wasn't a book first.

Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection: First of all, the title. I don't think the English language allows 40% of any chunk of text to be possessive words. Don't get me wrong, I like Tyler Perry and have a great deal of respect for what he's done for Atlanta as well as his flair for self-promotion, I just am surprised this franchise has developed the following it has. First of all, doesn't Martin Lawrence get some sort of residual from the idea? Second, after Madea Goes To Jail I started to think he was just using the old "Ernest" movies as a template. And finally... Perry is going to be playing James Patterson's Alex Cross in an upcoming film. I don't know if I can wrap my mind around seeing him play a figure which was made so iconic by Morgan Freeman in films like Along Came a Spider and Kiss the Girls after I've seen him as Madea. Every time he walks onto a crime scene, I'm immediately going to picture him threatening to spoon Eugene Levy, and I just can't seem to overcome that....

Although July does have some big movies coming out (The Dark Knight Rises and a new Ice Age) along with August (Bourne Legacy, Expendables 2) which are sure to be big box office draws, I'm going to finish up with another that has me torn: The Amazing Spider-Man. Emma Stone: good. Andrew Garfield: who? The first time I heard this name, he was announced as being an upcoming guest on a late night show. Here is how my thought process unfolded: "Ah, is he the guy who started the restaurant chain? No? Oh, so, he must be the radio personality and tech expert? No, that's Michael. Well, he's definitely not the 20th President of the U.S. Is it the full name of an acerbic, fluffy, orange cartoon cat?" NOT ONCE did the thought "actor playing Spider-Man" pop into my head. That's a pretty outside choice for the lead character. I hope it does well, but here's another thought: why did Spider Man need a reboot, anyway? The last film just came out 5 years ago. I mean, I know they'll have needed a flashy reboot some time before they do a "New Avengers" movie, but don't they have to do about 12 films with the current Avengers before that happens? Why do we have to remake movies that aren't even that old? 80's movies are a stretch for me (I'm looking at you, Total Recall) let alone a franchise that just ended 5 years ago.

While I have plenty of films I'm looking forward to, when I compare it to last summer I'm just thankful I have my Netflix queue to send me things like Downton Abbey and indie flicks. Oh, and Mirror Mirror - I can't believe I missed that on the big screen....

Artistic Integrity in Video Games

I don't usually weigh in on debates like these, but as with most debates there are valid points on both sides, so I thought I'd join in.

"With a game, the final 'collaborator' is the player.  Thus, the player has a say in the artistic vision.  The game isn’t done until it is played."

This is a comment made by a recent acquaintance of mine, and fellow writer, Alan Dreher regarding this whole dust-up over Mass Effect 3. ("Why Claims Regarding “Artistic Integrity” Do Not Apply To Mass Effect 3 or Other Games.") Before I move on, you should definitely check out Alan's blog, he makes some good points and I look forward to reading more from him. Now, allow me a moment to reflect.

An artistic message doesn't cease to exist simply because someone doesn't experience it, nor does it change based on the way it is experienced. While I take the meaning, this is a very fine line to walk, a very narrow distinction. The problem is that even though players can influence the outcome of ME3 based on the decisions they make while playing, there are still a finite number of outcomes which have already been programmed into the game. The player doesn't program anything or add any elements into the game, they merely use their decisions to open up the pathways that already exist as a result of the game creator's vision.

To say the player contributes to the art form by playing it and has a right to dictate or at least call for new endings would be like saying a TV or movie viewer contributes to the vision by pressing Play on their DVR, or that the Star Wars films are fair game because the end-product isn't realized until a viewer chooses whether to view it in traditional or 3D format (as in Spectator Theory, mentioned by Alan in his piece - the problem with Spec Theory is that it discounts the idea that the original artist has any intent or vision. Yes, spectators can view things with a different vision, but it doesn't change the intent or vision of the original artist.) Likewise, Dallas fans wouldn't have the right to say, "Hey, I thought JR would die after he got shot, I demand they film an alternate timeline!"

Yes, it's everyone's right to speak their mind, to form opinions, and to like or dislike anything on which they've laid down the cash. But just because you don't like it doesn't mean you have the right to demand that someone else change it to suit your wishes, especially when the company has gone to the effort of programming multiple different endings to experience into the game - as is the case with any of the previous installments of this series, and most RPGs today. (Another example, many DVDs and Blu-Rays come with alternate endings - that's a bonus for viewers and a great thing for producers and directors to include, but it would be ridiculous to suggest that it's within reason for viewers to say, "I didn't like ANY of the endings, film me a new one!" I would expect these sorts of demands to be followed up by statements like, "I demand satisfaction!" followed by the slap of a white glove, or perhaps a call for "More ale, wench!") After all, what's next? "I was wearing green-tinted sunglasses when I visited the Louvre recently and when I checked out the Mona Lisa, she looked great in a kelly green dress. Imagine my disappointment to see the 'real' painting online today and see that the dress is in fact equal parts gold and red trimmed with greyish blue. Somebody should really green that bitch up, yo." See what I'm saying?

Now, ultimately, it IS the choice of the artist whether or not they want to change their vision in order to appeal to the masses. George Lucas made Jar Jar the dupe who led to the ultimate downfall of the Republic in The Clone Wars largely because most everyone hated him in The Phantom Menace. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle did resurrect Sherlock Holmes largely due to fan outcry. Charles Dickens halted publication of further chapters of Oliver Twist because Jewish readers (namely, Ms. Eliza Davis) found his references to Fagin offensive. (He also changed the ending of Great Expectations before publication, because a colleague urged him the original vision was too grim.) From these examples, you can see that even in these circumstances there are far ranging reasons (and far different interpretations of "reasonableness" with which to regard a demand for changes.) The "outrage" over killing off a beloved character isn't nearly as serious as concerns over antisemitism, but it's up to the artist how (or even if) they react to the backlash. Many times a change is to be applauded, as with Dickens' adjustment in Twist. Other times, though, the call for a change seems less substantive.


I'm not saying anything people haven't already argued, but if a customer doesn't like a product they've bought, they make that known, and then they don't buy more products by that company (be it a restaurant, clothing manufacturer, film producer, or game designer.) And if the issue is with the fact that they've already spent $60 and don't like the ending, well, at the time of this writing, they're still well within most stores' return window as long as they kept the receipt.

The thing is, we live in a society of entitlement now. Consumers feel entitled to insist on changes to everything from tire tread depth to the amount of red dye number 40 in their Life Savers. In some instances the complaints are valid, especially where safety or discrimination concerns come into play. Consumers have every right to expect that the products on which they spend money won't injure, kill, or otherwise cause illness to them. On the other hand, when the end product is not a safety concern, but rather the creative vision resulting from the collaboration of individuals, be it a group of 4, 40, 400, or 4,000, the consumers of that entertainment have no right to demand changes just because it didn't match what they expected.

On the contrary, that challenge to one's expectations is the very illustration of artistic intent, and sticking to that vision is the very definition of artistic integrity. Many artists - be they novelists, film makers, or game developers - thrive on the ability to surprise their consumers with plot twists or stunning endings. Even in the instances where those endings may be considered underwhelming, it is usually a calculated decision on the part of the artist - fans may expect a cut and dried ending, but the artist doesn't always want to answer all questions or wrap up all subplots because seldom is anything in real life that cut-and-dried. True artists ply their craft in an effort to make art imitate life in some way. If life is ambiguous, messy, and seldom completely resolved with all loose ends tied off, many artists want their works to reflect that. (As an example, comments by Ubisoft in a recent Game Informer interview which state exactly that - endings aren't meant to be perfect or 100% resolved because that's not how life works, and you never know if further installments might answer certain of those questions while introducing twice as many more.)

But you know what I think is the main thing they want to do with so called "imperfect" endings? Stimulate discussion. And that's exactly what EA and BioWare have done. After all, what have we all been talking about for almost a month now?

Series Finale

It's always sad to see a chapter of your life close. When I started working at Clear Creek ISD I had just turned 27 and was excited about the new position in which I found myself. I got to work with technology, which had always been a talent of mine. Above that, I got to work with teachers, training them on using and integrating that technology. Best of all, I still got to work with the students, helping them with issues and teaching when the opportunity arose. This made the transition from classroom to technology-specific employee a much easier process. I wasn't losing one part of the job I love, I was gaining an additional part to make it even more interesting and enjoyable. Not only was I well-suited for the job, but the job was well-suited for me, and I loved every minute of it.

It's amazing how much can happen in just over 5 years. For one thing, you find yourself just over 5 years older. I'm told that's how math works. Aside from that, I grew to know and love the people with whom I've worked since March of 2006, gaining friends and colleagues more numerous than I could have imagined. I said goodbye to one set of friends at Weber Elementary for the opportunity to help build a new campus from the ground up at Parr Elementary. The chance to design the "perfect" campus for the integration of technology in our students' daily lives is an opportunity that would probably not again come my way for a very long time, if ever. So when one of my current principals asked me to come with her to the new school, it was a chance I had no intention of passing up. It was a time-consuming and stressful task at times, but in the long run it was also more richly-rewarding than I could possibly describe.

So, in my short time with CCISD, I've gotten to know not one campus, but three. As economic strains come down the pipe, changes are inevitable, and the thinning out of my current position was inevitable (and predictable.) I am blessed to be able to take a 2nd grade position and stay with the campus that I helped open. The change is bittersweet, though, because I am leaving behind another campus, Armand Bayou, to which I've grown quite attached.

As I stood watching our 5th graders graduate today, I was struck with the realization that we started at the same time. When I started with Armand, these now 5th grade students were just Kindergarteners. It's fitting that, just as I've watched them grow up these nearly 6 years, I've grown up a lot myself (don't worry, I haven't grown up TOO much.) And, just as they're leaving Armand, it's a fitting time that I'm entering a new phase in my life as well.

Everyone has had the experience of watching one of their favorite television shows coming to a close. It's always sad saying goodbye to the characters you've personally come to know. But it's always just a bit comforting to know that, as the doors close behind you, life goes on tomorrow, and next year. Just as many television shows may end, but the storyline lets you know that in the fictional universe created for that TV show, life goes on even though we won't be voyeuristically peeking through the window of a TV screen to see those lives play out.

So, having said that, my final season with Armand comes to a close today. Just like an ending TV program, the last "season" may not be the "best," but it can't overshadow the great experience of the past 5+ years as a whole. And just as the IDEA of our favorite TV characters continue on past the final episode, I know life goes on as the doors of ABE close behind me. 'Til we meet again, ABE. It's been great knowing you.

News Ticker Updated - Everyone Confused

Okay. I like technological advancements. I admit it. I know I probably just blew the minds of several people here. Now, facetiousness aside, the one thing that drives me crazy about a technological advancement is when a company decides to upgrade their tech and clearly have NO idea how to use it properly.

Let me explain. The local NBC affiliate here in Houston has updated their news ticker (been that way for about a month, so I gave it plenty of time) and they obviously don’t have a clue how to write headlines on this thing. Used to be that the news ticker was a blue bar at the bottom of their screen, and the news would scroll right-to-left. The headlines could be literally as long as you wanted, and they would just scroll on. No problem. The only annoying thing about this ticker was the “Weather” update would scroll up in front of the news, so if they had just the right amount of stories, every time a certain story scrolled around, the Weather would pop up and prevent you from seeing it. Why not just have the weather scroll at the end of the news and sports ticker??

With the current news ticker, the annoyance is much worse. I’ll spare you the technical details, but let’s just say the space is much smaller than the width of the screen, and on this narrow black bar, a full line of text scrolls UP onto the bar and stays there for about 5 seconds, then a new headline scrolls up. The problem is, some genius at the station has insisted whichever intern is in charge of typing this must get the entire news blurb summed up in ONE line of text. Now, it can be difficult to sum up even the most banal of complete thoughts in 140 characters, do we really want the most important news stories of our world today summed up in half a tweet?

This is NOT the way the software has to run – I know this because, in the first few days of using this new ticker, they had a handful of headlines that didn’t fit on one screen, so when it scrolled to the next line, it was the second half of the news blurb. This was great, because it was COHERENT. However that wasn’t good enough for an exec at the station, who, like most executives in TV, decided they would ruin it with their brilliant ideas of the “correct” way to do it. So now what we are left with is uninformative “pop” news blurbs that are barely more intelligible than a caveman grunt.

It’s a lot like having an awesome new unlimited data plan on your smartphone, but the plan only allows you to download the first page of websites. Or having a great assault rifle with a 1000 round magazine, but by default the rifle ejects the cartridge after three rounds.

This probably doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I’m not exaggerating when I say that some of the stories are almost IMPOSSIBLE to decipher, and when it’s early enough in the morning that planning a route for your coffee cup to travel to your mouth is a complex calculation, the last thing you want to do is try to figure out what someone means in 4-5 words of text. Take these real examples:

“STOCKS IN JAPAN NUCLEAR PLUMMET.”

Okay, this was the first one that made me pause, concerned that someone had lost their mind. It’s not that hard to decipher, but it’s also not that hard to write it more coherently. Why not “Japan stocks plummet following disaster?” Or better yet, Line 1: “Japan stock market in freefall…” Line 2: “…following nuclear disaster.” This is SO much easier to read, and actually doesn’t make you sound like you’re just listing random things. Seriously, “Stocks in Japan” makes sense, but then, “Nuclear plummet?” Really? What is a nuclear plummet? Is that even a thing? Does nuclear DESCRIBE the plummet? So, are the stocks falling from the sky and hitting the ground hard enough that they literally split atoms?

Here’s another:

“OBAMA DISAPPOINTED, TALKS BREAK DOWN”

So, the talks broke down because he was disappointed? Because that’s the order in which you wrote it. Or, did it happen the other way around? Is Obama disappointed BECAUSE of the breakdown? And regardless, which talks do you mean? Budget talks? Libyan dispute? NFL Players Union negotiations? Did we invade someone else overnight? Or did something happen while we were sleeping to cause us to have to salute a new flag? Help us out.

“FINAL CARRELL OFFICE ‘SUPERSIZED’ EW”

Okay. First, Steve Carrell’s final episode being a two-parter isn’t exactly news. A lot of people knew that already. Which begs the question, is that what you mean by this headline? Does “EW” mean Entertainment Weekly? If so, why haven’t you put sources on every OTHER headline you run? This makes us wonder, is “EW” your source, or an editorial comment intended to signify that it’s somehow nasty that the episode has been ‘supersized?’ Or are you saying the entire episode is a “SUPERSIZED EW?” Or, could you be telling us that some guy named Final Carrell is expanding his office? And again, you’re disgusted by that? Please just tell us what the Hell you’re talking about.

One last one:

“DEL TORO, STEWART DAUGHTER EXPECTING.”

First of all, which Del Toro are we talking about? Benicio? Guillermo?

On top of that, misplaced commas are a, thing that annoy the crap out of me and worse is not using enough commas so that a reader is left to interpret a meaning from your rambling dumbass. (Like there, for example.) Does this headline mean that Del Toro and the daughter of someone named Stewart are expecting a baby? If so, which Stewart? There are lots. Jimmy Stewart? Martha Stewart? French Stewart? Is it really necessary to specify “Stewart daughter?” Can’t you just say, “Del Toro, wife, expecting daughter?” Because I’m pretty sure that anyone who actually CARES about this news story at this hour of the morning knows who his wife is, and anyone who doesn’t care, cares little enough not to need to know that she’s related to some randomly famous Stewart.

Or (as I have since found out) does this mean that the vaguely-named Del Toro and an equally-vaguely-named Stewart (Martha? Kim? Kristen? Again, French?) are expecting a daughter? If so, who the Hell writes “Daughter expecting” to signify that someone is expecting a daughter?! Is YODA writing the news for you people now?? Oh, more breaking news, “BEGUN, THE CLONE WAR HAS.”

I guess I’ll drop it for now, but please, PLEASE reconsider the way you’re writing these stories. Otherwise, we’ll see the following blurb one morning soon on our news tickers:

“KPRC NEWS DIRECTOR SUCKS, IMMINENT REPLACEMENT.”

Just don’t forget that comma. I hope by now they understand it would completely change the meaning of their story.

Charlie Sheen Manifesto Preview

Jimmy Fallon had a bit last week with Charlie Sheen selling records, one named “Things I’ve Said,” with insane stuff he’s said in the past week, and another named “Things I’m About to Say,” filled with bizarre, ridiculous-sounding things that he hasn’t really said but, wow, he definitely could have.

So, in that theme, I have just returned from a trip on a recently-procured time machine, and I now give to you, Things Charlie Sheen Hasn’t Said (Yet) But is About to in the Next Few Days. (He's releasing his "manifesto" on his webcast this evening, so take this as a likely preview.)

Sheenisms:

“I’ve got, like, a self-esteem problem in reverse, y’see?”

“I’m like a monkey with no spleen on the fifth spaceship to Cleveland.”

“My TV screen usually smells like Gunnar Nelson. Or wait, no, I’ve got that wrong. It smells like a gun or Nelson Mandela. No, I’m wrong again….”

“People like to act all concerned for me, but the truth is, they use phony concern to avoid looking like concerned phonies! See what I’m saying? They just want to distract everyone from their not-me-ness.”

“Is what they said on Laugh-In true? If Cybill Shepherd married Ish Kabibble, would she really call herself Cybill Kabibble? Or, would she, like, keep her maiden name? Lotta celebs do it, just sayin’. I’m a progressive guy, but I wouldn’t take somebody’s Kabibble-y old last name.”

“I just found out my ‘Goddesses’ are more like Greek ruins…. You know, fake as stone in some places, worn down from overuse in others? S. T. D’winning!”

“The air tastes like a burning tire in here. And not because I’m making humus!”

“I’m like that Indonesian Civet cat, I crap $10,000 coffee beans and my bathroom smells like a Starbucks. Winning!”

"I just signed a deal to play an African American Ninja. They'll fix my race in post. The show is called Afro Sheen. Why is that so damned funny to people?"

“I secured the rights to do a remake of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves from Cher. I call it Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools. Here it is, a world premiere!”

“I was born from a dragon in Himalayan snow.

I used to have a hit CBS show.

Papa doesn’t say what he means

But I practice what I preach

Bottle what I’ve got and call it Doctor Sheen's!

Oh, Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools

I yell it at the people all around!

I call them Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools,

They judge and call me insane.

They’re jealous of my 10,000 year old brain!”

Okay, that's the end of my sneak preview of insanity's future. Oddly, being that close to his thought process, I now feel the overpowering need to take a shower. And enter any form of rehab available to me.

Next time.