Jimmy Fallon had a bit last week with Charlie Sheen selling records, one named “Things I’ve Said,” with insane stuff he’s said in the past week, and another named “Things I’m About to Say,” filled with bizarre, ridiculous-sounding things that he hasn’t really said but, wow, he definitely could have.
So, in that theme, I have just returned from a trip on a recently-procured time machine, and I now give to you, Things Charlie Sheen Hasn’t Said (Yet) But is About to in the Next Few Days. (He's releasing his "manifesto" on his webcast this evening, so take this as a likely preview.)
Sheenisms:
“I’ve got, like, a self-esteem problem in reverse, y’see?”
“I’m like a monkey with no spleen on the fifth spaceship to Cleveland.”
“My TV screen usually smells like Gunnar Nelson. Or wait, no, I’ve got that wrong. It smells like a gun or Nelson Mandela. No, I’m wrong again….”
“People like to act all concerned for me, but the truth is, they use phony concern to avoid looking like concerned phonies! See what I’m saying? They just want to distract everyone from their not-me-ness.”
“Is what they said on Laugh-In true? If Cybill Shepherd married Ish Kabibble, would she really call herself Cybill Kabibble? Or, would she, like, keep her maiden name? Lotta celebs do it, just sayin’. I’m a progressive guy, but I wouldn’t take somebody’s Kabibble-y old last name.”
“I just found out my ‘Goddesses’ are more like Greek ruins…. You know, fake as stone in some places, worn down from overuse in others? S. T. D’winning!”
“The air tastes like a burning tire in here. And not because I’m making humus!”
“I’m like that Indonesian Civet cat, I crap $10,000 coffee beans and my bathroom smells like a Starbucks. Winning!”
"I just signed a deal to play an African American Ninja. They'll fix my race in post. The show is called Afro Sheen. Why is that so damned funny to people?"
“I secured the rights to do a remake of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves from Cher. I call it Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools. Here it is, a world premiere!”
“I was born from a dragon in Himalayan snow.
I used to have a hit CBS show.
Papa doesn’t say what he means
But I practice what I preach
Bottle what I’ve got and call it Doctor Sheen's!
Oh, Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools
I yell it at the people all around!
I call them Warlocks, Trolls, and Fools,
They judge and call me insane.
They’re jealous of my 10,000 year old brain!”
Okay, that's the end of my sneak preview of insanity's future. Oddly, being that close to his thought process, I now feel the overpowering need to take a shower. And enter any form of rehab available to me.
Next time.
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